Don's Words

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Don wrote a blog and it was so amazing, I had to share it! Happy Valentine's Day!!

The Newborn Chronicles: Day 6
There is a vein of the absurd in our culture; one where neophytes have a need to enlighten the entire populace with their 'expertise' about whatever subject with which they have developed cursory knowledge. Yes, you are not mistaken, the kettle is hurling accusations at the pot…grin
I have been a father for 6 days and in the interests of bequeathing humanity a profound new understanding of parenting here are 12 things I think I know about fatherhood, newborns, and mothers.

1)Dropping your child is about as likely as being struck by lightning.
Experts may argue about the reasons for a lack of gravity induced injuries, I think it has something to do with the mind-numbing fear of newborn butterfingered-ness fathers get when first forced to handle their child. I personally have moved beyond paranoia about dropping her and am now paranoid about bonking her head on a wall as I walk through doorways.
2) Newborns have patterns, it is fairly simple to identify the major ones and develop an equilibrium of sorts. With consistency, patience, and effort it is even possible to affect those patterns even in one so young.
3) Patterns change, usually at 3am.
4) Newborns are the epitome of cool.

They do what they want, when they want, and when they don't get it, let you know about it vociferously in short order. While they are awake they often feign indifference to your existence. Paris Hilton has nothing on a newborn.
5) Newborns are the epitome of love.
They may be angrier than you have ever seen, lost in a sea of doubt and confusion as to the cause you desperately hand them to their mother and the briefest hint of her touch and scent pacifies the wild beast.
6) Newborns are like the worst partier you ever roomed with on spring break.
a. You know who I am talking about. They get bombed, puke up the last hour of effort, and demand another shot. Pass out, crap their pants, wake up, grab a bottle of Jack Daniels, and want to hang out. The only real difference is it is easier to carry a newborn…and they smell much better.
7) The first three times your child pukes on you it's funny.
a. They always seem surprised by it and the look of shock followed by relief is priceless. While freshly fed breast milk is not really nasty the effort required to produce it, feed it to your child, and then have to clean it up and start over at three in the morning begins to wear on you.
8) Being exhausted and or annoyed by your child's efforts to crush 'the best laid plans of mice and men' is a good thing. It forces you to be a better parent.
9) Thank God our child is healthy and happy.
a. I do not wish colic on anyone, Marisabelle gets cranky but there are remedies that satisfy her in relatively short order. An unsoothable newborn has to be excruciating.
10) 'Helping' your wife get through the birth gives you a better understanding of what kind of love you have for her.
a. Bianca is a tough woman. Throughout labor she was capping her pain behind a stiff upper lip. The infrequent and honest expressions of pain that slipped by her resolve nearly wrecked me. 'Manning up' has a new definition.
11) Getting punched in the eye by your newborn is an expression of love.
a. Despite everything that my child has put me through thus far, I only love her more.
12) As hard as it sounds to wait a few minutes after your child poops herself, procrastination properly applied is a smart and proper strategy. It is also wise to develop a diaper changing skill that rivals a Nascar pit crew in efficiency and speed.
a. Newborn poop derived from breast milk is not the nastiest stuff in the world. However, it is wet, a bit explosive, and comes in waves of unknown frequency and duration. To plunge into a diaper change before all the waves have passed, or fail to quickly and effectively change the diaper is to invite disaster.
b. I had never changed a diaper in my entire life until the eighth of February, it is amazing how much you improve in a few short days (a lot of practice).

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