“Why are you so tired? You just haven’t seemed like much of yourself.”

Her words pierced my heart because this not-so-secret SECRET I’d been holding onto had finally started to present itself to the world. I remember having endless amounts of energy. I also remember when I was in high school, I went through weeks of less energy than normal, but I always equated it with hormonal shifts. During my early 20s, though, I started to notice extreme fatigue. I figured it was because of all of the added stress I put myself under and the lack of sleep I was getting. Once I graduated, though, I felt much better. I was tired, but not like before. After the birth of my second daughter, though, I noticed I struggled to find energy. Again, I chalked it up to being a mother to two adorable, precarious, and energetic small ones. However, something that seemed to become more and more common was the regularity in which I was contracting strep. I went from getting it once a year, to 3-4 times a year for the past few years.

Then my health continued to shift downward. I had vertigo. I discovered I had a Venus Cavernous Malformation. I have degenerative disk disease, likely cause by a fracture in my lower spine that I sustained when I was 4. I have asthma. And….I’m exhausted. Like I was hit by a truck exhausted. At the end of this summer, I went in to my doctor, with certainty that I had strep, yet again, but detailed everything else I had on my mind. She ran lots of blood work for me, ordered an MRI, and I waited for the results.

“Bianca, it appears that you have arthritis in your neck. I’m going to recommend pain management therapy, even though I’m sure you will decline.” She referred me to a pain management specialist, but I declined--for now. Just as I declined for my chronic back pain. I am able to live with the pain, so I don’t want to undergo injections until I really need it. But for now, I am able to manage just fine as long as I keep stretching. My doctor was ok with my decision for now and she was supportive of me. “Just keep moving, Bianca. That’s the best thing that you can do. Move within reason, though. Don’t go crazy!” she told me.

“Bianca, you don’t have anemia, but you do have low Ferritin.” Ferritin is the protein that iron binds to, so if is low, then you have lower iron. I show many traits of anemia, but I am not anemic. She encouraged me to shift my pescatarian diet to one that included red meat a couple of times a week. I tried it and I did feel more energy, but I also felt heavier and slower.

“Bianca, you have Epstein-Barr Virus. Actually, you have so many antibodies of it, that we can’t even measure it. Based on what I can tell, you have had EBV since  you were a teenager. Have you ever felt so tired you feel like you’ve been run over by a truck? Have you had a coffee for energy, but it doesn’t seem to work?” I nodded my head. “Well,” she said as she put her hand on me, “you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And right now, you are experiencing a really bad episode.”

I was shocked, but calmly asked what I could do, while letting out tiny sobs. She encouraged me to rest, while also smiling knowing that it would be very difficult for me to do that. She said, “Bianca, I’m going to need you to take a diet from life. Just pull back a bit and allow your body to heal, because you don’t know the long term damage that you could be causing by not resting when you need to. Please take a couple of days off from everything as you need to. Yes, I still want you to keep moving, but go at a different pace.” She said diet because no one likes to go on a diet. Change your diet, but not forcibly go on one, right? I like that my doctor knows me well enough to know the kind of person that I am—one that doesn’t want to rely on pills and medication and a person that is always on the go. Because I love to read medical journals and whitepapers for fun, I dove deep into the throes of learning all about EBV and CFS. I know what my indicators and triggers are. I know how to adjust and adapt. I do NOT yet know how to deal with slowing down. While I try to make myself be ok with it, when it is noticeable by others, inside, I’m upset and angry. I’ve run marathons. I’ve run half marathons. I’m a college athlete. I’m a mother. I’m a wife. I work in Corporate America. I’m also a photographer. I’m an event planner. I’m a writer. I’m an adventurer! I don’t have the time to have a diet for life. I don’t want a diet from life!

Here is where I issue a blanket apology to some: I’m sorry for the inner shade I threw at you when you caught me staring at you. Those of you who are absolutely healthy otherwise, but take it for granted and choose not to appreciate your unbroken body, yeah…those people, I was jealous of them. I was envious of their lack of guilt for not exercising, of all of the sleep they were having, of their poor dietary choices---and their lack of enjoyment for eating all of those things they let themselves eat, because dangit, I want to eat 3 honeybuns, too, but I can’t because I will totally feel it later. I’m sorry. I’m not a nice person when I’m hangry. I’m not a nice person when I’m hurting. Really, I just needed a hug. Then I would eat some chocolate and lay down.

Sometimes you meet people at the right moment when you are supposed to meet them.

Last month, I found myself in NYC eating brunch next to a friend of a friend. She and I were talking about various things and I noticed that she didn’t eat sugar, or grains, or even drank alcohol. She monitored her diet very carefully. So I asked her if she was gluten-intolerant or Celiac. She said no, that she suffers from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She told me how it consumed her body and as typical of CFS, it attacked the parts of her body that she used most—her brain and communication skills. You see, she is a writer and she recounted to me how difficult it was for her to focus to formulate a sentence, to have a clear brain to use her language skills. She knew of the words, but she was unable to articulate and recall her vocabulary. Also, she said she had little to no energy to even get out of bed. She also told me of her friend who was a dancer, who lost the ability to to use her legs. She wasn’t paralyzed, but her legs were too heavy, too stiff, too painful to move. So she went into further detail of her dietary changes, which was a supplement to a treatment she’d received back in her native country (not at all approved for by the FDA). We had to depart, but her words stuck with me.

Then, less than a week after that, I had a discussion with a friend of mine who went through a dietary detox to reset her health. She actually went through a specific program, but as we talked more and more about the details, I was going to simplify it and determined to give it a try. It gave her great results for her health goals (not weight loss), so I told myself that November 1 would be the day I would start. It would also give me the opportunity to mindfully eat and to consider those who do not have food immediately at their disposal. Leading up to the first, though, was a vacation in Sonoma with friends and family. I ate and drank without restriction and with passion. However, I also suffered as a result from it. I felt so incredibly bloated, slow, and fat. I was exhausted, I had headaches, and body aches. I look at images from that trip and while I am truly happy, I am not at all happy with my shape. On Halloween, I stepped on a scale and was horrified by the number that was looking back at me. But this isn’t about fitness or weight, so I won’t fixate on that. I will, however, say that CFS took a big toll on me in recent months, both physically and mentally.
What was my diet?

• Vegan
• No dairy---no cheese, no milk, no butter (aaaack)
• No animals of any kind. No animal broth. No fish.
• No rice
• No caffeine…including coffee
• No sugar—raisins were ok, but no honey, nothing with added sugar in it.
• No grains
• No alcohol
• Coconut oil for everything.

I had to prepare, yes, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. (I did however miss eggs!) HUGE shout out to my support group who encouraged me by suggesting recipes, trying out juice, or just giving me a thumbs up.

Breakfast:

I made my own cereal of equal parts flaxseed and chia seed. I mixed in 3/4 cup of coconut milk and heated it for one minute in the microwave. I topped it with banana.
Kale Yeah juice from Whole Foods: kale, pineapple, banana, orange juice

Lunch:

Salads topped with beets, black beans, garbanzo beans, and half an avocado

Snack:

the other half of my avocado and plain hummus or sometimes artichoke and olive hummus

Dinner:

Quinoa with some type of vegetable medley

Vegetable soup

The goal was to make it to at least 10 days. On day 8, I caved and ate eggs, but I was strict with everything else! I was happy to know that eggs didn’t bother me. On day 11, I tried a bit of dairy. It didn’t affect me too negatively, but I did notice a change. On that day I also tried a glass of champagne. I took all I had to finish the glass and I immediately noticed adverse reactions. My intestines felt like they were on fire. The next day, I felt sluggish and I had a headache. Immediately, I went for my Kale Yeah juice to see if it would help and it did. But something else happened. I came across this article about EBV. Yes, I saw it was on Goop and rolled my eyes, too, but I strongly suggest you read it, especially if you suffer from CFS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, or Fibromyalgia. Much of what I took from it was the simple truth that I’d experienced first-hand. I had to change my diet. Yes, I still need rest, but I also need plants---whole, organic, non-GMO, plants as my medicine. I’ve already lost 10+ pounds, but I’m not hungry. I want a piece of chocolate and I would like some coffee, but I’m not hungry for them. Other friends who I’ve known who have adopted a plant-based diet---more than 95% plant based and cutting out all of the other stuff---have also noticed a significant improvement/positive shift in their health.

As for me, I’m gonna keep trying. I want to make it to 80, but not just arrive, but I want to dance and run into 80.

Last Day of First Grade

Today is the last day of school for my eldest. We took a leap of faith and opted to send her to a Charter school instead of a traditional ISD. It wasn’t a good or a bad choice, but a choice that we’d felt was right for our family at the time. It is the end of the year and the biggest takeaways for the year have been:

• she has improved in her Spanish language skills, so much so that she teaches her baby sister
• she has a genuine hunger for knowledge, especially anything related to science – she has a basic understanding of photosynthesis, can identify different types of plants, knows the different types of clouds and what they signal, is aware of different climates and regions, and knowing all of that, she isn’t threatened by thunderstorms, earthquakes, or tornadoes
• she has horrendous spelling, but that had never been an emphasis for the year <—not one single spelling test this year
• she is doing fractions, complex addition, and basic division – this was made even more evident when she could divide food portions based on those fractions and she could estimate her per mile pace based on her finish times
• she has increased her strength in compassion and kindness
• she has improved her confidence so that when other kids are mean, she isn’t as bothered by it
• she is still a dreamer and fiercely independent

Next year, I am unsure if we will go back to the Charter or the traditional ISD. Several months ago, I wrote her a letter to get my thoughts out. Reading it over, those same words still ring true to me.

You've always been a curious dreamer. Your eyes will often stare off and I will catch you dancing in the sunlight when I don't hear music. I am quite familiar with both of those things. I remember when I was a child, dancing to the music in my heart with the wind blowing against my wild hair, the sun kissing my face. I remember pirouettes in the rain. I remember watching the whole world in front of my eyes, with wonder and awe, unaware that mundane things weren't meant to attract the attention that captivated me in that way. No one else saw and heard as me. The colors were more vibrant, the music was louder, the feelings were stronger, but I didn't know how unique and special that was. I wouldn't know it to be special until I was older and some of it had faded, but I did my best to pass it on to you. 

Knowing what I know, I struggle with your school(s). They want to limit the dreaming and the dancing. They need to fit it into a time-box that you can only visit a few times a week. You need to learn and grow into a productive member of society, where, SURPRISE!, closet dreamers make the world go 'round! So many of the successful people I have been fortunate to meet and know had creative energy in common. They saw the world from a different perspective, one unseen by others and they are all very driven (ambitious).
My stress is this: Where should you go for your education? I endeavor to figure out a way for you to learn and excel at important subjects like reading, math, science, writing, all while allowing your creativity to flourish. Standardized tests won't tell me how you are progressing in life. They won't tell me that you are excelling at the things that matter most: because you can't measure the unseen and the unknown. But you must learn to multiply and divide because you will need those skills in life. You must know how to read and write, because effective communication is important in life. You must remain a curious dreamer—that is something you were born with, not taught!

My child didn’t get any fancy awards this year at their ceremony. I’d prepared her, as such. She was ok with it. Her response, “Mommy, that’s ok. I don’t need any awards or certificates.  I have plenty from the other things I’ve done. I am not the best student in class. I am not the worst student. Besides, you told me that I should be better than I was yesterday and that’s all I’ve tried to do. I feel like I am better than I was when I started.” It was a punch in my gut. I am very driven and want my children to be driven. However, their motivation to achieve is vastly different in the way that I measure my own success. She’s right. She’s listened to me. She’s applied it and is happy.

I wasn’t surprised that when they called her name, what followed were: promoted to second grade and reading 1000 books. (Those damn log sheets were such a struggle for us over the past three weeks, I tell you. The child loves books and reads 1-2 hours a night. This is what happens when you aren’t allowed television during the school week and are restricted to movies on the weekends. Every where we went, she had a book! The thing was, she’d never written them down. She didn’t write them down while she was in school, either. When I asked her why, she simply said, “Mommy, I don’t write as fast as the other kids. I like to take my time. Plus, some of the other kids needed help, so I helped them or I just wanted to spend my time reading.”) She didn’t get the best student, most improved, most valuable player, best at music, best athlete, or any other academic award, therefore, she didn’t get a medal from the school. She told me that she was one of three kids in her class who didn’t get a medal, and she was ok with that. She also said she was so excited for her friends who earned their medals and gave them a high five. When I asked her if she wanted to maybe earn one the next year, she looked at me, thought about it, and said, “Maybe, but only if they think that my hardest work has earned a medal. Otherwise, no, I don’t want for them to just give me one. I want to be able to earn it. I am still going to work hard, as hard as I can, but sometimes there are just people who are better and that’s ok. It’s important to tell everyone good job for trying. Like you said Mommy, we all have different gifts and some of us are better at some things than others.”
Yep, some of us are better at some things than others.

While I’m still sore from smiling and running…

I did it! I had the wildest and most amazing marathon retirement party ever! But first, let me start with this…

I didn’t make my goal time. I aimed for a 4:40 finish. I trained for it, even left some cushioning in my training for a 4:45 minute finish. I ran in temperatures over 100 degrees. I ran in wind. I ran in rain. I trained in the Texas summer heat. I cross trained through Camp Gladiator and followed Coach Sara’s plan each week. I tapered like I was supposed to. I sought chiropractic relief. I altered my hydration and diet, too. In my training, I gained back the confidence to run a 10mm pace for a half marathon. I had the confidence to run a 10:30-11mm pace WITH HILLS. I lost weight and shook off a large chunk of depression.

I didn’t make my goal time. My finish was 5:10:51, a full 11 minutes slower than 7 years ago for my other time of running this.

BUT…

I did it! This race was EVERYTHING I needed from a final race. It was brutal! Why? The conditions were low 40s with 20-30 mph winds. The winds were so high that they didn’t even allow the handcycles to start in Staten Island, cutting off the Verrazano Bridge entirely for them. I opted to walk that bridge, braving the masses, but staying on the side out of harms way, or so I thought. I was pelted with discarded gloves, water bottles, makeshift windbreakers from garbage bags, a race bib (!), a fuel belt, and sweat shirts. I fought against the wind to get this image:

See those white caps. See those clouds? Brrr…(my lungs started wheezing moments after snapping this. Inside I cursed them and said, Not today!)

And we fought through that wind, running against it for about 20 of those miles, and then we were faced with uphill, no sun, tired legs. Before that, though…

I caught those unicorns I’d been chasing for a while!

I sat in that huddle of people to stay warm before the race. Robin Hood, you guys continue to touch my soul!

I stood in my corral waiting for that BOOM of the cannon and Frank Sinatra to belt out “New York, New York” while we ran past.

I nervously chatted with a local gal, a gal from Atlanta, and 3 women from Argyle, Texas! Wow!

I humbly wore the discarded Dunkin Donuts fleece hat that I had to cut a hole out of the top so my hair would fit.

At mile 13 I took a selfie in the sun!

At mile 15.5 I knew I was still plenty strong.

At mile 19.5 I took another selfie in the sun.

My face hurt from smiling so much! I ran strong! I ran my race. I ran with so many strangers cheering me along the way. I ran while my loved ones cheered me on both in person and through social media. I ran for all of them and for myself. The race was what I needed. It was a metaphor, a true test of determination, strength, endurance, and will. I didn’t really hit a wall. My lungs did feel like they wanted to collapse at one point. I lost feeling of my 3rd toe on my left foot around mile 8. At mile 9-10, I ran alongside my Teej! I saw her and nearly knocked her down because I was so happy to see her. I cried and cried, and squeezed so tightly. She ran in the crowd next to me, and when she hit her street, she hollered “Go!” and I went. At mile 11, I saw my Beloved!! He’d landed and made it to me. At mile 13 I messaged my beautiful friend on bedrest, who was cheering me on, texting me messages of support along the way! I hopped on social media at mile 15-16. I saw a few more familiar faces and beautiful souls at mile 17-19! At mile 20, Robin Hood’s block party erupted in cheers when they saw my shirt! I felt like such a celebrity! I had a pinched nerve in my right shoulder starting at mile 21. But I kept right on pushing. I ran to the Asian drummers beat. I high fived one of the rappers who was performing. I high fived as many kids as I could along the way. I held hands with a gal who was running to honor her mother at mile 23---she’d died on October 28th from cancer. I hugged a Swiss guy whose legs were giving out. I was going so fast, I missed My Michael at mile 24, but I saw my Beloved again at mile 24.5.  I put my phone away after that and focused on finishing. I happily ran under the foliage of My park, Central Park. We emerged out of park a bit after 25 and I saw the GM building…Maverick! I’ve walked MANY times to Columbus Circle, time to pick up the pace! (Screw you, lungs, stop sucking air, we have a race to finish!) I spotted people to try to reach and pass and I did. When I hit mile 26, I shouted BRING IT! and took off at an accelerated pace for that last quarter mile. I passed so many people and felt so light. When I crossed, I didn’t cry in my photos. I just beamed with the biggest smile. That was it.

I did it! 5 hours, 10 minutes, and 51 seconds of happy…happy that isn’t artificial, genuine happiness from achievement and support from more than 200 people! All 200+ of you that know me directly who reached out….

THANK YOU, MERCI, GRACIAS, DOMO ARI GATO, DANKE, GAMSAHBNIDA, GRAZIE!!!

The lady who handed me my medal, she was an older woman, and I just stared at her, and asked her for a hug. And she hugged me tightly like my abuela, and told me that she was so proud of me! Thank you strange lady! Thank you for being proud of me and giving me such a hug! And then I sobbed. Big, fat, joyful tears of happiness and sense of accomplishment.

The trek to my room was a journey all by itself. But I got to see my Beloved again before he headed out to the airport. I was able to laugh and recover with My Michael and Gen at a tea place. I was able to talk about the journey with my running friends and hosts after they returned themselves. The next day, I was tight, but I walked around my park for a while capturing engagement photos (yes, I had an engagement photo shoot and it was amazing!!). I had some amazing food, I had a blowout, and then I came home.

I’m tight, but not overly sore. Only my toe is really hurting, but I feel fine. It was a great retirement and the perfect way to say goodbye to my final endurance run. And now, I pass on the torch to everyone else who is able to do so! I will cheer them on!

Coach Sara…you helped me earn every single bit of this race! THANK YOU! Coach Mark, our time so far has been brief, but you helped me, too! Running friends, thank you for pushing me, even when you didn’t know you were. Mom, thank you for throwing me in the deep end and telling me to swim. Daddy, thank you for never slowing down when we raced! Thank you NYC for showing up, like you always do. I know I can make it anywhere!

2014 TCS NYC Marathon Miles Dedication

religion: a particular system of faith and worship

To me, running is a type of religion. Not because I’m worshipping the god of running, but because rather it is a system of faith and worship. I am wholly present in my mind, my acts intentional, my faith LOUD—within me.
So while I run, it should come as no surprise that I often find myself meditating, holding tightly onto mantras I chant to myself, I’ll pray the rosary, but where I find the absolute BEST peace is when I consider and pray for others. With that in mind, these are my miles dedications.

1. My mother – The first mile is the most exciting mile. It requires the highest climb, with the freshest legs, and the most enthusiasm that you will have to control to make it through the rest of the race. Wings to fly, legs to run…Mom, I remember all of the times you were in my peripheral vision, cheering me, championing me, willing me to strive to be the best I could possibly be. Hurt back, push through. Fall down, pick yourself and keep moving forward. Crying, wipe your tears and smile. This is a race of endurance and motherhood is such a race.

2. Sister – For all of my childhood, I chased you. Literally and figuratively, I chased you to become more like you. When you pushed me away, it hurt, but it taught me that I needed to be my own person—and whomever that was, you would be there to support me, regardless of my choice. This mile, is an easy mile, through a Brooklyn neighborhood that I know you would enjoy visiting.

3. Brother – Because there was a time not long ago that you didn’t think you could run a 5K, and just a short while ago, I turned around to find you, insisting that I NEEDED to cross that line with you. Not because I didn’t think you could do it, but because I wanted to grin from ear to ear and witness you crossing! All of those times you cheered for me and watched me succeed, I needed to be there for a big moment for you. This mile, we run together, not racing, just running on a cool morning while the sun kisses our cheeks. Turn up that Milky Chance Stolen Dance and let’s find our groove.

4.  Tesla – You will be 4 next year, even though you want to say you are 4 this year. You were the 4th member of my family. Your tiny spirit brings so much joy to everyone who meets you. You are so unabashedly stubborn and are so completely focused on your goals , it is something that I try to remember for myself.Baby, Mommy loves you and can’t wait for you to see the new medal to add to the collection!

5. My Brooklyn Beauties – Gen, Mali, Teej, I’ll be looking for you. Each of you inspire me in so very many different ways. All of you are so very strong, both emotionally and physically, I’m running your burough’s streets!

6.  Marisabelle – For you I learned what it meant to be a mother. Because of you, I try my hardest to be the very best mother you need me to be. You show me grace, you show me patience, you have given the the opportunity of wonder…and when I feel like my legs are heavy, I’ll remember your little voice, goading me: “Let’s race, Mommy! I can be fast like you!” Yes, baby, you compliment me by saying you are fast like me. You are already faster than me—and I love it!

7. Internet Friends – I was afforded in real life friendships with you and am able to maintain our friendship online. This means you Camille from Twitter, who shares a similar humor as I do. This also means you Makita, who has a beautiful and vulnerable strength I’ve not seen before—because of you, I am stronger in my actions and more purposeful.

8. For Diego, Kittens, & Unicorns – Diego went on a few of my early training runs with me, fumbling through each step until we figured it out. Your time with us was brief, but your tender spirit lives on. Kittens because well, I’m not allergic to them yet and they are so soft and adorable, and just want to curl up to be loved. Unicorns because they are fabulous and awesome!

9. For my Primo, Simon – Nine rhymes with wine and well, I know you love it! Simon, your wit, your but gusting laughter, and the wine….oh so much wine! I know if you were in town, you’d be cheering for me, throwing water balloons filled with some kind of libation at me, singing Fuego fuego…

10. My Min-Min – You’ve not questioned my sanity for wanting to do this. Instead, you’ve reached out to me to be sure we remain connected in spite of me running all of the miles all of the time. Whether you are there waiting for me at the end of the race with jello shots ready to share a hearty carb-load meal, you are there for me. Even now, I know you will be shouting from where ever you are enjoying Sunday Funday.

11. Margie – Adelante y orgullo: I only barely understood the definition of those words when I first chewed on them. Now, I understand them more. I can’t hardly get the words out to write more because the emotion just flows straight from my heart and out of my eyes. Happy tears of joy and gratitude. I’m so, so, so grateful for you!! I give thanks for your life, for your willingness to fight and continue to fight, every day.

12. Shannon – What a pleasure it was to find you at mile 12 during the Plano Balloon Festival Half. I was struggling, but with you, I was able to push through that final mile. Your exercise posts keep me accountable and remind me to not lazy around.

13. My Happy Half Marathoners – Each of you, declaring publicly which races you would run and peer pressure would kick in and I’d sign up. Mostly to ensure I’d hit my training run milestones, but even more so to be with you all. I didn’t and don’t want to miss any time I get with y’all. For the laughs, the grunts, the aches, the tears, the hugs, the encouraging words, the hilarity of so many things…thank you Dina, Meighan, Alison, Gail, Bonnie, and Danika. A great big heartfelt and SHOUTING dedication to Coach Sara, who has pushed me all along the way, encouraged me, and come up with creative solutions for any obstacle I threw at her!

14. Dan – I had no idea how much my life would change just by meeting you. My heart is more open, my eyes more open, my spirit willing to experience almost anything, entering the adventure with joy and enthusiasm. Just the way you live is a great example of how I want to live. I’m so glad you are not only my friend, but a mentor as well.

15. My extended family – I’m grateful for all of the strong aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, in-laws. Each of you have sent me words of encouragement! They mean so much to me. I consider the women in my life and how life will throw them a curve, and they just shrug their shoulders and deal. it’s how they are. When my Uncle Mutt gave me the biggest hug after a run and how he looked at me, I felt his pride and I was humbled. He reminded me of my previous life as an athlete in college and I remembered that she was still inside of me. My Aunt Frances cheering me on, giving me support, too! Thank you!

16. My Primo Phillip – Because this was the number of miles we walked that day in August while we cheered Don on. If I could have that much fun walking 16 miles in one of my most favorite cities, then I know I could run another 10 as long as I remembered the adventure we shared. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that day with me!

17. Carol – Your presence helped my training become possible. Otherwise, it would’ve been a greater challenge attempting to push the girls and log my miles. Your life changed dramatically at 17 and since then, you’ve persevered and thrived. I hope you see it that way because so many admire you, as I do. Thank you for all you did and all you do!

18. My Einstein’s Crew – Especially the Saturday morning gals! Renee for the distractions and laughter and Marisa for that last quarter mile sprint to finish strong! Fist bump!

19. My Inner Circle – You all know who you are. We may not see one another often. Sometimes it is in the parking log of a Dry Cleaner, on the phone on my way to the doctor office, for a quick bite to eat, when our kiddos play dress up, when I watch your daughter play volleyball, when we paint together, when we go camping, when we go cruising, when we meet for wine night, when we celebrate our kid’s birthdays…regardless, you are my family. For the big moments, you all are there! This one is for you!

20. Nina Dani – You never let a little thing like sleep or asthma or money get in the way of a good time. You are so giving and humble, for those traits and so many others, we chose you to be our daughter’s godmother. For believing in me, and telling me to shake off the haters.

21. My Beloved – You arrive at noon and will race to find me at some point along the way. Each training race, you have helped me recover by allowing for some quiet rest. During our training runs. you run ahead of me, letting me chase you, forcing me to be better. You believe in my dreams and champion me. You push me to find amazing and are there right by my side when I discover it. Thank you for this adventure!

22. My Michael – New York!! You are there now and it is near this mile you will find me. I love you and I can’t wait to see your face and laugh. I know there will be a great many more trips out to see you in the future, too! I already love the memories we’ve created there, so far.

23. Ada – Because Bianca Fight Never Dies, because running is stupid and why would any one want to do something like that outside when you can be crushing balls in the air conditioning, because people are idiot drivers who merge in the fast lane only to go slower than the speed limit, because of Whataburger taquitos, because of acorns on the ground, because “I’m like a bird,” because of cherries, because of tears of joy and tears of ache, because I am whole all over again when you hug me. This one is for you!

24. Lindsey – My Bish, my friend, even though you think I’ve lost my mind in doing this, you know that it was gone a longer time before that! I may be doing a type of zombie-like run at this point. I will endeavor to champion my inner zombie, made evident by your crew.

25. My Mavericks – Their financial and emotional support has been overwhelming and, as always, humbling. I have raised nearly $7,000 (and counting) for Robin Hood, largely because of their support. Amazing! When I turn the corner by the NY office, I will smile proudly and fondly knowing so many of my colleagues are cheering me on!

26. Daddy – The race is won by running. I will not give up. In the thundering echoes of the roaring crowd, I will hear your voice. I will keep going and know that THIS race…Life, I don’t give up. Even when I feel down, I am a VALENCIANO, I lift my chin, I look it square in the eye and say, “Bring it!”

.2. Me…that last quarter mile is for me. A celebration of what I’ve achieved and a moment of definition, of closure, and gleeful gratitude to my body. Thank you self, for this. You had many doubts if you could do it, but still you managed to get there.

Healthy body, Healthy Mind...30 Days Challenge to Get Back to Basics

 

I've long wanted to affect positive changes in life. if you know me personally, I would hope you already know this. I give optimism, lend a listening ear, and encourage when I feel someone may need encouragement. By doing this,  I hoped that I could positively impact others to be the very best version of themselves—per their own definitions of what that mean.

When I started the Bianca Birthday 5K last year, I was overwhelmed by the response and even further humbled by the participation this year. It's only been a few short months since that time, but why wait a year for another push? I don’t know about you, but September is always hectic! Between the start of school, tailgate parties, and cooler Autumn weather, it is easy to become complacent with an exercise routine. Yes, I said routine. Some of you have specific routines at your Crossfit boxes, others hit the pavement with a running plan, and others may do heavy lifting every day, sculpting their muscles perfectly to expose the strong sinew under the skin. You know what else is a routine? Coming home from a long day, sitting on the couch and zoning out, while munching away on food that you picked up in the drive-thru line. This also may mean getting up late, missing your alarm, and the inevitable irritable rush to ready the day, desperately counting the moments to your coffee drink to do it all over again. I know, this well. This is easy to get into and SO, SO, SO tough to break!

Change begins when you are willing to break your routine. Here's some truth: Recently, I talked with my doctor about a prescription weight loss pill* recently I was obsessed with not losing weight in spite of marathon training. Upon telling her this, and hearing myself say it, I stopped speaking, internally acknowledged my fear, and changed course. I needed something to help me breathe easier so I could train harder. I needed something to combat my low energy levels. Blood work and an x-ray gave clues to what I needed. I now take Vitamin D pill for my energy and focus on eating dark leafy vegetables to increase my iron levels. I also take Symbicort and Albuterol for my lungs. Instead of tempting boredom with only running, I opted for a bonafide cross-training option. Camp Gladiator had a $6 unlimited boot camps special for September. Add that to my marathon training plan, and I have a built-in workout schedule for the next month. At least 1 hour a day is focused dedication for my body. (Endorphins will make the brain happy.)  I am determined to get back to basics, commit to 30 days of healthy living (clean eating and exercise) to get me back on track with my goals. Yes, MY goals to be the best version of myself as defined by me. Yours will be different and that's ok, wonderful and all together necessary for YOUR success!

But here's where I need your help. Join the Facebook Group I’ve created for September. You can opt in to pay the $25 to be sure you are committed. if you pay, you will receive an Exercise Shirt after the end of the month and your name will be entered to win the grand prize. What is the grand prize? If you win, you get to take the remainder of the money after the t-shirts to donate to YOUR favorite charity! If you aren’t financially able to participate, that’s ok, I still want you to join! Join the group, participate in the check-ins, be publicly accountable, and work hard to reach your goals!

Set realistic goals. If you can't even run for two minutes, I don't expect you to set your goal to run a half marathon in a month. But you WILL be able to at least walk one a year later, but that starts today. if you are able to do 200 pushups and crank out 6+ miles, then reach higher. Maybe aim for a faster 10K or do more than what your comfort level is. We all have goals and I want to cheer you on. I want you to cheer me on. Let’s do it together so we can train for life! #tfl

You have two days until we start. Think about your goals, and come join us!

 

__________________

*It should be noted that I’m not hating on anyone who uses diet pills. I haven’t exhausted every option before going down that path, meaning, I don’t feel like I gave a solid strength and conditioning plan, nor did I exercise portion control or counted calories. Prescription medication can be quite effective, especially when closely monitored by a doctor. Do whatever you have to do, but know that there is no magic pill that replaces a good diet and proper exercise.

My Romantic Dragon Slayer

Last August, I felt like I’d been through an emotional spin-cycle and somehow came out of it feeling like someone had shoved me through two tight rollers: leveled, sore, shattered but still alive. I’d been made aware to face my demons head-on and I’d felt so emotionally violated as a result of it that, well, I shut the world out. It was revisiting a familiar place, that I seem to cycle through, only this time…this time I was armed. This actually surprised me quite a bit. Mainly, I think it is because I was open to accepting grace and through the cracks, love shined through. The other times I had been in this state of depression, I’d felt so low, I allowed shame and grief to consume me. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone, largely in part because I was ashamed and mostly because I didn’t want to seem weak and burden someone else with my baggage. So I held tightly onto dark experiences, never openly admitting them to anyone. I had no idea how each of those experiences had left an invisible fingerprint onto how I viewed the world…how I reacted to people. It must be state-the-obvious day, but think about it some…Have you ever reflected on those miniscule moments in time that altered/shaped you? Look at a scar on your body and remember how fast the injury happened, but that everlasting scar, undeniable, and at times, blends in with the rest, but it is there.

When I graduated from college, I was able to share some time with my grandparents. My grandfather had motioned me to him, and let me know that the secret to a long life was to have a shot of tequila every day. If I felt sick, then tequila would cure me. If I was thirsty, the tequila would help. If I was cold, the tequila would warm me. And if I was melancholy, the tequila would medicate my soul. He even presented me with a clay pot that my grandmother told me he kept cool water in, but he whispered he kept some tequila in it, too. ha! I grew up believing my grandfather was this stern, proud stereotypical Latino who loved dancing, did not at all fear hard work, and had a passion for life. I was petrified to ever talk with him as a child. I really don’t know why. I remember his large, weathered hands…hands that had known hard labor for years. The smile creases around his eyes, that I liked to attribute to the many smiles he always gave me. I remember the feel of his stubble on my face and how, coupled with is aftershave, would make my face itch and burn. I remember the blessings he’d pray over our family before we would travel back home, especially in the later years, when he was in his maroon plaid robe, pajama pants, and black leather slippers. The mess of a curl atop his head transitioned from peppered to all white the last time I saw him. When he spoke, I listened.

My first experiences with tequila were quite typical: really bad hangovers—CRUDA. When my uncle passed away, the evening after his funeral, I splurged and bought a bottle of Don Julio 1942 tequila. It was the first sipping tequila I tried and what a completely different experience! I was uncertain if the experience was altered simply because I sat around with my aunt and cousins, sipping this tequila, remembering my uncle, hearing incredible tales of his life’s adventures. My favorite, was of him joining the Navy in spite of not knowing how to swim. The one of him jumping off the ship into the ocean could’ve been horrible, but instead, it was an incredulous moment of strength of spirit and my family’s tenacity. I smell that tequila and I remember my uncle fondly. I remember that evening, and I am connected to my family all over again.

After that evening, I wanted to explore tequila with new eyes. I tried infusing it differently and making fancier cocktails based on classic recipes. I was introduced to Casa Dragones through a local store that had a free tasting. Truthfully, it was on Mama Oprah’s list of favorite things and I wanted the chance to taste a bit of what true luxury felt like.  It was winter and I went with my work buddy. He and I held onto the Riedel tequila drinking glasses and sampled the very best tequila I had ever tasted. Fruity with a peppery-spice back end, the flavors were different, yet very much complimentary. At the price point, however, I was unable to dive into a full bottle.

I kept it in my mind and left it there locked away until last August. I needed comfort. I needed reassurance. I needed something larger than myself. When faced with irrational demons larger than dragons, I needed a dragon slayer. Emotional ache…I splurged on a bottle, that has lasted us very nearly a year. The emotions poured out of me as fluidly as this nectar. But I refused to associate that taste with pain. When given the chance, we would open the bottle and pour a little out to share with friends and family.

You can imagine my excitement when I was invited to another tasting! I’d already tasted it, but this time around, Bertha González Nieves, the first ever female Maestra Tequilera and the maker of Casa Dragones would be presenting the tasting. Additionally, Katherine Clapner, the chocolatier behind Dude, Sweet Chocolate would be there to pair her tasty morsels with the tequila. (chocolate + tequila=outstanding) It became an instant date, further made even more meaningful when one of my running heroes would be joining us along with his wife. I had no idea the tequila lesson we would gain that evening, nor was I prepared to witness the levels of romanticism of my beloved.

As the evening progressed, it felt like we were taking a special tour through San Miguel de Allende around Tequila through the region of Jalisco, Mexico. The breathtaking landscapes, full of rich nutrients ripe for the agave plant to produce the tequila. We were taught the three levels of the glass and what each section would yield in terms of flavor and scent. The objective of attending the tasting was just to learn more and share some quality time. When it came time to make a decision as to whether or not we would make the purchase, I humbly declined, simply because we had some larger upcoming expenses. I was grateful for the experience. I leaned over to Don, asking him if he would grab a photo of me with Bertha and Katherine. If given the opportunity to meet captains of industry, I always jump on it. If faced with the chance to meet females who are captains in the industry, I MUST meet them, grab a photo, and tell their story to my daughters to inspire them of the whole world that exists before them.


I tried to not be too much of a fangirl. I was so excited and I treasure this photo photo so much!

Then Don did something…he flagged down the order taker and grabbed a box. But not only did he grab a box, he struck up a conversation with Bertha González Nieves, encouraging me to tell her my grandfather’s advice. As I told her the story, her brown eyes penetrated my soul as she listened to the story from my heart. I was overcome with pride, my voice shaky, tears streaming from my face. The conversation was brief, but all of the memories flooded the forefront of my thought.  We told her of our daughters and how we try to not only share stories of inspiration of the strong women in our family and of those we met, but also how my culture is very much a part of their lives. We told her of the dreams we had for our daughters. We shared with her the story of my uncle passing. We shared with her how Casa Dragones has been there for us, already, in times of melancholy and in times of celebration. Yes, it is a bottle of tequila, but to us, there is so very much more rooted within the beautiful package.

And so, he handed the bottle to her and asked her to personalize it (when you purchased the bottle at this tasting, a master calligrapher would inscribe your words). She’d taken some notes during our conversation, she signed the box and we told her where we wanted the calligrapher to write words. A few short weeks later, we received this memento, honoring my grandfather:



That was my husband’s gift to me. A reminder that family is important, that tradition matters, that with patience (it takes at least 8 years for the plant to grow—sometimes 12, then the tequila ages for 5 years!) all hurts can heal. Scars, whether invisible or invisible, can hurt, but with time…

Sit. Wait. Sip.  {a hug from the inside, from deep within the soul}

I adore these gestures of my beloved. I adore his romanticism. I appreciate his patience. I appreciate his ability to still surprise me. I treasure the amazing---my romantic dragon slayer.

Open Letter to my Sugarbaby on her 3rd birthday

My dear sweet Tesla Jane,

It is hard for me to accept that three years have flown by in a hurry! Last night, when I kissed you goodnight, I paused to stare for a moment. I took a deep breath. Three years. Wow, what a ride. And you, my sweet girl, embrace all that is given to you...in your very own way. You have quite a little personality, but can be incredibly shy. Your vocabulary and comprehension levels are outstanding. You say these unintentional puns or quote things that are quite fitting and absolutely hysterical. Once I was having a frustrating moment. You could tell. You just looked at me, and erupted into "Let it go!!!" yeah, I needed to let it go and you were a good reminder for that.

We welcomed a new addition to our family in the past 6 weeks. In that time, you and Diego Jack have become best of friends! He follows you along. Together, with your sister, you all have spent hours and hours in our backyard!

You also enjoy drawing, taking things apart, helping out with chores (you are a great helper!), and having fun. You play and play and play. "Little Einstein's" is your favorite show. You love it when I do your hair. You still enjoy playing with my hair. You know what? Every time you do, I melt! You've done that same things since you were a newborn. You don't clutch and pull on my hair, you just gently pet it or run your fingers through it. I've since made it a point to have my hair brushed so you can calm yourself with it.

Your soul is gentle. You enjoy singing in church with a loud and clear voice. You also enjoy dancing in church to the music. No, not just church. You very much enjoy dancing. Right now, you are 36.5 inches tall and weigh 32 pounds. You enjoy eating pizza, berries, and most any kind of sugar we will give you. You like the crunch of corn tortillas, but say they very much hurt your throat. We think you have a gluten intolerance like your father, so we've been limiting your gluten intake and have noticed much improvement in your eczema. Your hair is still very, very curly, your eyes, a bright brown with splashes of yellow/green.

Your daddy and I are so excited to see all of the awesome experiences you will share with us this year, witness first-hand your discoveries, and smile proudly in wonder!

all my love!
-Mama.

Open Letter to My Sugarbean on Your 6th Birthday

Dearest Marisabelle,

I write this on the eve of when you turn 6.  A while ago, you’d asked for snow as the number one thing to have for your birthday. You know what? You got it a day early. Because of the snow, we were also able to celebrate your birthday together as a family since Daddy’s class was canceled. Your second birthday wish was granted when we went to Richardson Bike Mart and Daddy bought you your very first bicycle. It is a Trek Mystic, white and purple, with a white faux wicker basket, flowers, a pink bell that says “I heart my bike,” and training wheels---that I’m sure will be off in a matter of months. Just like the night before you were born, we went to have dinner at Luby’s. You wanted macaroni and cheese. Because we were feeling nostalgic, we headed out there and had a quiet family meal laughing and smiling. All day long, unaware to you, you were getting virtual well wishes for your special day. You even had a few phone calls early from your Bisabuela, Nina Dani, and Nino Nono to wish you well!

When we were home, we rushed to get you ready for bed since tomorrow would be a long day. Right now you have a cough. This seems to be the case for you when the weather shifts to really cold temperatures. The cough stays until it gets much warmer and more humid. We give you honey and rub Vick’s on your feet and chest to help you sleep at night. This seems to work better than any prescribed medications. After lathering you up and giving you a spoonful of honey, Tesla walked in giving you your birthday dress. You see, we started this tradition long ago. Before Tesla was here, your big brother Guapo would give you a new dress to wear. This year’s number is a navy blue dress with hot pink/fuchsia lining and a fuchsia belt. You loved it! You can’t wait to wear it.

Tomorrow morning, I’m setting my alarm early to get up and capture your face to your room full of balloons and streamers! After we dress, hopefully we are early enough for me to take you for your birthday donut with a candle. Then, I’ll take you to school. For lunch, I will bring you your requested Chick-fil-a grilled nuggets, apple slices, and apple juice. I’ll hand over your darling cupcake/cake for your class’s afternoon snack. It is also the 100th day of school. You will be taking 100 gummy bears, as well. God bless your teacher with all of the sugar you kiddos will be devouring. That evening, we will have a girls night in, watching movies, and snuggling. I’m sure I will have fits of proud tears all day long, as I’m doing right now as I type this.

You are such a strong-willed child with quite the vocabulary. You have a very unique fashion sense and quite a personality, too! I’m humbled most days by you. “Though she be but little, she be fierce!”---Shakespeare That quote fits you. Your spirit isn’t crushed. No matter how much society’s hand tries to conform you to their standards, you shrug it off and keep going. Like when you get marked for not following directions. You look at me, smile and say, “But Mom, I had too much energy and I couldnt’ stop wiggling. It’s just what I do. I can’t help it.” or if you aren’t listening, you will tell me, “But Mom, my brain was going really, really, really fast and I was thinking and daydreaming, I couldn’t focus to listen because I was listening to my brain. It was talking to my heart. You told me to listen to my heart! It takes a lot of energy and that’s why my brain goes so fast. I tried to explain that to them.” You know what, I admire the fact that you don’t let it affect you. Even those moments when you openly defy me and question me, inside, I couldn’t be prouder. I hope you never lose that wonder. I hope you never lose that fight. I know one day you will continue to do astonishing things, surpassing any dream I may have had for you. I know all of this will not be without struggle, but it will be worth every single bit of it.

My darling daughter, I’m so very proud of you. I’m so very honored by the person you are becoming. I love the way your mind works. The stories you tell me, the imagination you have, the empathy you have for people, and the love you have for the whole wide world. Keep trying hard, every single day. Mommy loves you so very much!

signing to you,

-Mommy

2013…

What a year. I’m grateful for the life I’ve been given, the incredible people in my life (especially the guy by my side), and the opportunities & adversities I have face this year. I prepared myself for 2013, choosing the word COURAGE as my one little word. I had no idea the ways it would present itself to me.


I took a bit of a hiatus from writing my thoughts in this medium, popping in and out only in moments (really 47 posts for the ENTIRE year??). I had to take a few months to process some very personal things. Rather than spewing my most personal thoughts on the interwebs (like really, who wants to read all of that? who needs to read all of that? I’m not that important.), I took some time to write them the old fashioned way, pen and paper, and loads of self-conversations while running. I probably could have published some of it on here, but it boiled down to a simple concept. I have been blessed with a gift. Rather than use words as weapons to destroy (no matter how vindicated or justified I’d feel in spewing so much snark), I’d rather use words to motivate or uplift (because who wants to hold onto that negativity? I have certainly felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders when I finally released some of my demons. Too much baggage, gah!). Instead of sharing what I saw as my own truth, I opted to contain it so as to not hurt others and myself. It took a great deal of courage for me to come to that decision, especially when I felt like I was being attacked. Then again, when you are in the thick of things, it is easy to latch onto the smallest of things and run with it until you are positively insane. We’ve all been there, consumed by madness! In any case, I wanted to say thank you to all of my friends and family who lifted me up. Many of you reading this had no idea that the tiniest bits of things you’ve posted online, texted me, emailed, written, tiny gestures…meant so very much to me when I was feeling quite low. If you feel compelled to share exciting news or come across a phrase that motivates/inspires you, then share it. You have no idea the ripples you create in doing just that!

I had the courage to embrace my imperfections. I began to appreciate that I was a broken pot, used to water the plants along the side of the road. I hadn’t really understood my own rippling effect, until I was forced to push pause on my life an reflect. I’m gonna own that as a major win. I’m also going to celebrate that I kept on keeping on.

These were the goals I’d set forth and nearly accomplished them all. (We didn’t go camping and I flew on aerial silks instead of a trapeze):

These are my major accomplishments for the year:

1. I jumped out of a plane and lived.
2. I ran a half marathon and amazed myself with my finish time. (I even amazed myself with my 5K improvements.)
3. I saw my eldest off to her first day of school.
4. I also witnessed her happily read her first several books to me.
5. I also cried a great many tears of joy after she completed her first 5K with an average pace of 12 minute miles (she’s 5!!!).
6. I witnessed our youngest master potty training and running her first mile in a race with a 13 minute mile pace (outstanding! She’s 2!).
7. I also saw her vocabulary expand exponentially. She also knows how to flip off of the ottoman, jump on one foot, dance whenever music is playing, and sings along to the radio.
8. I went to a great number of concerts, even scoring a media pass to document the experience.
9. I had a year’s worth of dates with my Beloved (at least one a month). Several of them were overnight dates, too!
10. I visited California 3 times, dug my toes in the sand, climbed a mountain (twice), and sat under the redwoods breathing it all in.
11. I got a new car!
12. I hosted my very own 5K for my birthday (and will be doing it again in 2014).
13. I survived the health scare of my fractured vertebrae and venous cavernous malformation.
14. I let go of personal aches, made peace with my past, and found myself better for it.
15. I began a type of art therapy for myself by incorporating devotions/scripture in a journal.
16. I drank a lot of coffee. ha ha!
17. I worked out a lot with my Beloved.
18. I started to incorporate skills from my professional life and began a new project that will hopefully launch next year.
19. I had SO MUCH TIME with my bests!!! It wasn’t weeks on end, but hours, certainly, and such good quality hours, too!
20. I ate a lot of really good food!
21. I tried to grow a garden, which basically amounted to basil.
22. I held two new babies birthed by my friends (even helping one of them through pre-labor).
23. I stood next to my nephew/godson as he was Confirmed this year.
24. I had my first ever facial…which is big because I don’t like anyone touching my face.
25. Embraced gluten-free cooking/baking and have had much success!

Whew.

Cheers to 2014! Looking forward to it!

Coffee is Like a Hug

The day was brand new, my eyes heavy coming out of the sleep. The room is warm, even though the sun is barely peeking through the the house. El Paso, Texas during the summertime in the 80s, and outside of the window, I hear my grandmother hanging the laundry on the line. There is a bird chirping outside, and I pull the crisp, white linen sheets over my small body. I never knew how those sheets remained stiff, yet comfortable. I take a deep breath and there’s the faint smell that feels so familiar.

My abuela always made a little cafecito con leche each morning to start her day. When she would lean in close to me to help me with my napkin, smelling her breath always felt like a sacred secret. After our meal, after the dishes were washed, there she would sit in her chair, affording herself a few minutes to dip half of a bolillo into her café as her breakfast.

_______

The house would be busy with shuffling sounds of my mother going from room to room picking things up or organizing. I’d hear the whirr of the vacuum, muffled footsteps on the carpet, and cabinets opening and closing. Then my favorite sound of all, the grains poured into the metal. The water filling the vessel and not many moments later the popping of coffee activating in the percolator. It was my job to fill the sugar container and a small glass with milk. We were having a party, the guests would come over and coffee was always there, waiting to be poured or shared. Lots of chatter, glasses clinking, the spoons hitting the sides of the mugs as their owners stirred the milk and sugar. Daddy never drank coffee.

_______

Amarillo, Texas in the mid-80s, waking up before the sun, I was a little grumpypants. Never in my life have I ever been a morning person. But one Saturday out of every month, I would have to get up much earlier than I would ever have to awake for school. I’d throw on some old clothes and my ten-ees (sneakers) and we’d head to the church. I’d spend the next hour or two polishing the wooden pews in my church. Initially, I’d be angry to be up that early, but for my efforts, I’d be rewarded with a donut and mom would get her coffee: 3 sugars, 1 milk.

_______

Summertime errands, I always wanted to go to the bank with my mother. Not so much because of the free Dum Dum we would get in the drive-thru, but because when she had to walk in, next to the free coffee was a glorious, sparkling sugar cube pyramid. I was allowed to eat two. I’d savor them one at a time, melting that sweet goodness on my tongue. And ever so often, one of the cubes would have a lone drop of coffee on it. It tasted good. It filled me with an unexplainable warmth and happiness.

_______

In high school, hovered over our books, with our calculators and pencils, I’d sit in that booth at IHOP with my buddies. Smelling that coffee and being around my friends would make me smile. I didn’t yet drink it, but I did enjoy the smell. Later, when I was in college, I would go to McDonalds and order a small coffee. Not to drink, but just to enjoy the smell in my room. To remind me of home. To bring comfort me. There were more than a few solitary moments, laden with horrific thoughts of doing harm to myself, and I could be brought back to center with the comfort of coffee. Arms wrapped tightly around my body from within. Reminders that I am loved.

_______

I had my first child. Running on very little sleep, patience low, I was reminded of the the coffee I’d afforded myself during my pregnancy that helped me to stay awake on my commutes home. I would indulge in a saccharine and calorie-filled caramel macchiato from Starbucks, and ZING, I was a new person. Not only did the caffeine activate my brain to alert, but my body was filled with dopamine happiness.

_______

Specialty coffee shops have emerged near my office. I’ve made friends with baristas. That frothy goodness from their skilled hands produced euphoric optimism, which worked in my favor. Has always worked in my favor, especially when I’m trying to slay those demons from within. I heart coffee. I enjoy sharing it with friends. I enjoy it alone. It makes me think of happy times. It also reminds me during those not-so-happy times that there will be sunshine again,  that I just need some patience. Sit. Wait. Sip the coffee.

Do you have a special coffee story? If so, I’d like to hear it.

 

**If you are still reading this and there is likelihood that I will ever see you in person, then consider this a coupon for a free coffee. We’ll sit, chat, sipping on our coffees, talking about everything and nothing.**

Fresh Kaufee

Remember when I talked about the Erykah Badu concert? Well here’s a little backstory to something I had mentioned in that post. While we were standing in line, I looked at all of the people around me. So many of them seemed to know each other. I was inhaling their energy, really enjoying just being there and a part of the group. I squeezed Captain America’s hand a little tighter.

We had our big camera (Baby) with us. He prefers to carry the camera backpack when he is shooting. I knew this venue was going to be packed and I suggested he trim down and leave the backpack in the car. When he headed back to the car, that’s when I’d met Joonbug.

Joonbug from Fresh Kaufee on Vimeo.

 

After the show, I made a mental note to go search for him and see what he’d done. After all, I loved the shirts that he’d designed for the show (even though I never discovered where they were being sold) and I noticed “Premium Blend” on someone else’s shirt. You can imagine my delight when I happened upon Fresh Kaufee and saw the words “Premium Blend” on his shirts! This was him: Living the dream! Knowing I’d met the artist, I simply had to own my own shirt!

Yes, that’s an honest to goodness coffee bag. This was what was sent in the mail. On the back, were the stamps and the addresses. Folks, it SMELLED like coffee!! I opened it to find all of this:

 

Yes, that’s my shirt, a personal bag of ground coffee beans, a creamer and a sugar, with buttons (minus one that I’d already taken off and delicately placed in a special place). My shirt smelled like coffee, and I had coffee, and….well, all of the packaging was premium, clever, and delightful. If you don’t like coffee, then this is not for you. But for me, it was wonderful and perfect.

The shirt is an American Apparel shirt and high quality. So if you want to support local talent or American made products, this doesn’t get any more local. I HIGHLY recommend this fabulous shop. If you want to be inspired and check out his hand written doodles/drawings, check him out on instagram, user name: freshkaufee.

**I did not receive compensation or any thing for this post. This post is merely my opinion and I’m sharing the niftiness of it to get the word out.**

Review: Pouf Dallas Blow Dry Salon

Happy Hump Day friends!

Today, I will be reviewing Pouf Dallas Blow Dry Salon. If you know me, you know my love/hate relationship with my hair. I LOVE my hair! Love, love, love my hair. I LOATHE fixing it. Even though I’ve lost some of the thickness since having my girls, it is still quite thick, coarse, and unruly. Any opportunity I get to have someone else blow out my hair, I jump on it! My go-to place has always been the original Drybar (featured on my 2012 Holiday Gift Guide), but I’m always on the hunt for other places, especially for convenience!

On that particular day, I knew I had to run an errand at Mockingbird Station. Fortunately for me, I called up earlier in the day to schedule an appointment. First off, here’s what you need to know about blow-dry salons.

1. Your hair will get washed and conditioned.
2. You will get a scalp massage. (the length of the scalp massage varies depending on where you go. some places will offer extra time for an additional cost)
3. They will use a specific specialty product line on your hair. This is not limited to shampoos and conditioners, but hairsprays, shine serums, and more.
4. Your hair will be blow-dried to what ever style you prefer. (Some places have a menu available for different styles.)
5. Depending on your style, other styling tools will be used (Some salons will charge extra for use of these tools, some as much as $10.)
6. These salons may also offer updos, braids, buns, and other hair styles.

At Pouf, immediately upon walking in, you will feel a sense of nostalgia. The checkered floors and vintage furniture add to the appeal. Also, there isn’t loud and obnoxious fancy music playing. They are playing music, but it is at a comfortable decibel level. You are offered a beverage upon check-in, limited to water, tea, soda, and sparkling lemonade. There is an assortment of magazines to read while you have your hair done, or you can pass the time by chatting with the stylist or play with your smart phone. I didn’t see a sample menu of styles to choose from, so it took me a moment to decide upon a style. Initially, I wanted a straight look, but later switched it up at the shampoo station when I became inspired. I wanted a Jackie-O, voluminous blow-out with the ends tucked under. Not outta control Texas volume, just slightly Texas volume.

I have to admit, when I walked in, I was feeling a little skeptical. I wasn’t bombarded with the familiar hairspray fumes or haze that I’d related to other blow-dry salons. There wasn’t a television playing a girly flick, nor was there a white wine spritzer or mimosa for me (I didn’t ask for an alcoholic beverage, I was just surprised one wasn’t immediately included in the offering). For me, when I go to these places, I’m not immediately looking to connect to anyone, I just want to sit, zone out, relax, and come out of it with spectacular hair. Not to mention, the chill down time and scalp massage really help keep my clustereff happy.

However, when I sat with Janna, I actually talked with her. I got to know her and she got to know me. She had a tender hand when working with my hair and scalp, which was still quite relaxing. Normally I like a more firm scalp massage, but this was nice! The same went when she was blow-drying my hair. The other thing that impressed me was she only took right at 45 minutes total to do my hair (including the shampoo and conditioner)! That’s SUPER fast for me, especially because it normally takes about 45 minutes just to blow dry! They use Kevin Murphy products for the hair and it is wonderful. It smells so good and is sulfate and paraben free. I actually considered purchasing something to use full time. In spite of spraying my hair, it didn’t feel loaded down at all. The product stayed true to its word and was, in fact, weightless!! I wish they had a price listing for the products. Janna was darling and I will DEFINITELY recommend her as a stylist. She managed to find a way to tame my crazy hair, including my little fringe in the front!

My blow-out successfully lasted 3 days before washing. It may have been able to go longer, but I did a 6 mile run in 1000% humidity, and in spite of that run, it wasn’t a complete frizz-ball mess of hair. I just needed to wash it because yeah, that wouldn’t have been very hygienic.

Pouf also offers hair services like different braids or their signature bun. Hair extensions and hair chalk can also be added on. Not just hair services, but they offer make-up services, too! They use GloMinerals make-up for their product line. During this trip, I did not have any make-up done, but I loved that they had an eyes and lips option. Likewise, they offer make-up classes, this week’s class will show you how to do the perfect Cat-eye. Finally, they have a small section full of hair accessories, like shower caps, hair bows, hair clips, as well as the Kevin Murphy line of products.

All in all, I will highly recommend Pouf Dallas Blow Dry Bar in that area. I live in the Northern suburbs of Dallas, so if I’m having a weekend blow-out, I will stick to Drybar for convenience. But during the week, since I work in Dallas, I totally plan on making a special visit to Mockingbird Station to get blown out.

Hours: SUN-WED 10-7  |  TH-FR 10-8  |  SAT 9-8 

Cost: Basic blow-out starting $35

Right now, Pouf is running a Groupon! One blowout is $17 ($35 value) or buy 3 for $50 ($105 value). You can bet your bottom dollar that I jumped on this deal! Also, for a limited time, if you book an appointment Monday – Friday, it is only $25!! Please note, you should always tip your stylist. I typically tip $10.

Hello Bianca!…I’ve never done Groupon, please help! Ok, click this link, enter your email to get started, and go from there! (If you click that link and purchase a Groupon, I will get a $10 credit. That’s only good for you first-timers.)

So put on your sassy pants, make an appointment, and go get your glam on! Feel sexy with your fabulous hair!

 

**I was not compensated in any way for my review of Pouf. I am not opposed to receiving perks, I just thought Pouf is rather nifty and deserved a review. The opinions expressed are my own.**

Concert Outing: Fitz & the Tantrums (and Ivy Levan) at the House of Blues Dallas

Hello, hello, hello!

So I like music. A whole lot! I’m always on the lookout for new tunes, while simultaneously revisiting my old tried and true songs. Isn’t amazing how listening to a song will magically take you back to a time and place?
Last Friday, Captain America and I headed out on a date! I even had my hair blown out for the occasion! (review of Pouf to come)  We went out for drinks beforehand, then did a quick change from our day-time clothes to concert wear. (Confession: I actually had on a maxi dress to wear to the concert, but then I quickly remembered that I was probably going to be doing a whole heck of a lot of dancing and I needed something a bit more dance appropriate, where I wouldn’t be tripping over myself.)

(Him: V-neck from Urban Outfitters, suspenders & hat from Nordstrom Rack, pants from Macy’s Me: Smiley half shirt from Urban outfitters, striped under tank from Banana Republic, Jeans by David Kahn)


When we arrived, we picked up our tickets and our photo pass* and were on our merry way.


Lucky for us, Ivy Levan was just starting her set! Captain America quickly went to the barricade and was greeted by Big Rod. This guy right here was responsible for keeping the peace at the barricade, protecting the artists, the concert-goers, and the photo/videographers in front of the barricade. Big props to him for what he does and for doing it well, and quite professional, might I add. Thank you, Big Rod!


Captain America settled in and prepped Baby (what we call our big camera) for the lighting conditions. First off, let me tell you about this chick Ivy Levan. Holy wow! If you threw in one part of Christina Aguilera’s character from Burlesque with a dash of Gaga and a whole lot of rocking badass, you’d get Ivy Levan. She has such a presence on stage and it isn’t just because her dress was sparkly and her hair amazing. I loved, loved, loved dancing to her. I couldn’t help but get my hips shaking. Also, her music pulled out my inner sassiness, that I very nearly told off a gal who’d stood in front of me. Like seriously, I turned into quite a snarly/snarky person and was like, “Whoa, who’s voice is this saying these things??” I put myself in check and went and bought the gal a drink for her trouble for having to deal with all of that. Anyway, just so you know, you have the warning that the music will unleash your don’t-mess-with-me attitude, which isn’t entirely a bad thing. Check out The Dame, now on iTunes and here are some shots he captured of her:



She was such a delight and a wonderful warm-up for Fitz. After her set, I ran out to get a signed copy of her CD. I probably made a certifiable ass out of myself on film when her videographer asked me some questions. I was so amped up on the music and meeting her! And she was a doll! I discovered later that she was performing that evening at the Ruby Room. I wondered how many others saw her perform that night, too.

Between sets, Saints of Valory performed. They had quite a stage presence, but I have to admit, that I wasn’t in the mood to hear that type of music. It put me to another place. Unfortunately, we didn’t grab any photos of their performance. What did happen? Well, their music was the perfect backdrop for making new friends. You see, we spotted a small person dancing towards the back of the hall and we struck up a conversation with her parents. Christian, Megan, and Neva shared their time with us during that set. They told us their remarkable tale of how fate had brought them together. How their stories were intertwined before they even knew it, and how things happen all at that right time. They shared of their love of cycling, that this was Neva’s 3rd Fitz concert (she’s only 3!!), and how they will be married soon. I absolutely love stories like theirs! [New friends, if you are reading this and want to meet up, drop a line (bianca at hellobianca), we’d love it if our daughters met!] Yes, that is a tiny top hat on Neva’s head! How cute are they??


And then it was time for the show. I kissed my beloved good-bye for a bit, strapped on the equipment backpack so he wouldn't have to carry all of the gear, and said a photographer’s prayer for amazing light. I love it when he finds me:


Everyone was really excited. The energy filled the space. My heart was beating, my feet already dancing, everyone around me smiling and talking. The tools of their trade patiently waiting to erupt into a violent flame of happy.


But I must back up for a second. Remember that trip I talked about a few days ago? The one where I jumped out of a plane? Well, that was a girls only trip. My routine when I fly, I get to the airport and buy a coffee and stop by the newsstand and pick up a copy of Esquire, GQ, or Men’s Health. Sometimes all 3, sometimes just one.  That month, Esquire featured them in their Music and Style edition. Yes, I was connected to the wi-fi on the plane. Yes, I fired them up on Spotify and I was completely sold the first few notes of “Moneygrabber.” I would fire up some of their stuff while we were driving around and even on my morning run. Immediately, their music was synonymous with my happy.

When I returned home, I was able to listen to “More Than Just a Dream” in its entirety, I was in love. I knew they were going to be at Edgefest, but I was unable to attend since it was the very next weekend after my trip. Instead, the Universe heard my quiet plea and tickets went on sale for them to perform in July! To make the deal sweeter, my Beloved was every bit as stoked to see them, so this was going to be a magical date for us! The House of Blues is becoming a favorite place in our hearts for such dates. (Thank you House of Blues staff! If you’ve never been to a show there, I highly recommend it!)

Fitz & the Tantrums

The lights dimmed slightly and they began:




The crowd jubilant and dancing:



Noelle’s voice rang out with that tambourine:


And Fitz, with those red sneakers…


I danced and danced and danced. I hadn’t danced that much and shouted along the lyrics in a long while. Maybe I twerked a little bit too. And maybe I convinced some others to twerk with me. I was completely hoarse at the end of the night. Amazing night with loads of new friends (hello Amy, I’m talking to you!). What an incredible night of fun!



Um…Hello Bianca, this sounds like an amazing night, but I have no idea who they are, but based on your excitement I want to check them out! Where can I learn more? Here is their wikipedia. Here is their site. They are on youtube. Or just listen on iTunes, Pandora, or Spotify. They are good times!

Oh, and thanks babe for a wonderfully incredible night out!

*While we were given a photo pass, we were not at all compensated for this post. I just think their music is nifty and I wanted to share it with the world. We paid for our own tickets and merchandise while there.

Fall Out of a Plane and Live (Check): 14 Tips for First-Time Skydivers

So this happened on my girls trip to California…

Yeah, right? Out of my mind, some of you may be thinking. The other half of you are like, “cool, I’ve done that! so rad.”

It was definitely an experience, let me tell you. First off, let it be known that this was NEVER, EVER, NOPE, NOT EVER on my bucket list of things to do before I died. BUT, then why did I do it? Well, just because it was never on the list didn’t mean that it couldn’t be a source for me to conquer my fear of heights. And just the day before, I did this…

I hiked up (and down, which was more treacherous than going up!) Cowles Mountain and crawled out to the ledge, stood up high on that rock, and jumped in the air. Moments after, I bawled like a baby. Why? Because I overcame my fear. I was shaking nervously, grateful to have my BFF with me so we could talk, and keep me distracted from the increased elevation. When we made it to the top, I knew I had to crawl out to the ledge to snap that photo. I just had to!

Which takes us back to the skydiving adventure.

Here are my own personal Skydiving tips that I think you would find helpful if you’ve wanted to do this or are considering skydiving. I am not a professional, these are some things that came to mind immediately:

1. Wear something comfortable like running tights/capris…think workout clothes.
2. It will only be cold for moments.
3. You will spend a long amount of time filling out the necessary paperwork. Don’t bitch about it, you’re totally going to be falling out of a plane, duh. You need that legal stuff.
4. Don’t only have coffee right before. A light meal would be nice.
5. Having something light to have on hand immediately afterwards would be good.
6. If you don’t like those g-force spins on roller coasters, you won’t like the spins you will make once the chute is deployed.
7. If you have that, then odds are, you will suffer from motion sickness. If you have vertigo, you will be laid out for at least a week.
8. Embrace the motion sickness. You totally fell out of a plane and lived!
9. If you puke, that’s ok. It’s why the tandem guys wear helmets. For the record, I didn’t get sick.
10. If you are only going to do it once, then splurge for the photos and video (money well spent).
11. Keep your eyes open and see the beauty of God.
12. Amazing perspective from that high in the sky.
13. I felt like I was Ironman flying in the sky to save the world. I wasn’t falling, I was flying!
14. Arch your back, everything else will be fine.

And here's my video of it all.
Bianca Skydives Over San Diego from Bianca Sias on Vimeo.

A very special thank you to my dear Danika who hosted us, drove us out there, and cheered us on (and nursed me back to health, too!), as well as my BFF Lindsey, who came up with the idea, and kept me committed to my One Little Word: COURAGE.