Saturday, November 5, 2011

Depression and Sadness

These past few weeks have been unfettered chaos. I keep waiting for that "normal" to show up, but normal as I know it has long since taken a vacation and I'm not quite sure if or when it will return. For the first time today, it dawned on me, as I sat at a red light sobbing, this is what it feels like to be teetering on the edge of ultimate fragile sadness. In the past, I've suffered from depression. I have spoken with therapists before, but I've never taken any medication. I always tried to approach things a more natural way and fortunately for me, that has worked. Not that being medicated is bad. If you feel that you may be depressed, then by all means, go seek professional help and see if you can get on a little something that will help you! During those times, I was wallowing in sadness, but I didn't really have a "reason" for sadness. I was just sad. Yeah, there were triggers and pressures, but nothing that caused me overwhelming heartache.

Seeing my mother in her hospital bed, a slight form of what I've known her to be, well, it is heartbreaking. Before I see her, though, I shake out all of the blues and I check it at the door of the hospital. Every minute I spend with her, I emit a thousand watts of positivity and love. Every fiber in me KNOWS she will get better, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when I see her hurt the way she's hurting.

And then there's friends and loved ones. 

Do you know, I don't think I've ever felt more special and more loved than I do during this time. We've been surprised with meals, with notes of support, with texts, with private messages, with telephone calls, with hugs, with cards....with love. Just when I think things are going to break me, I will look in my mailbox and see a handwritten card from afar. When I've had a particularly rough day (and there have been more than not), I'm surprised with homemade brownies or cookies. Oh, and the meals...the last thing that I've wanted to think about was what to cook (even though it is definitely cathartic for me to be in the kitchen), a precious loved one has taken the time to make us a meal or sent a gift card. Thank you! All of you, thank you! There's a big ol' lump of love that gets caught up in my throat, I'm so utterly humbled by the generosity!

This past week, someone made the comment to me, "Bianca, you always go out of your way to make people feel special." I marinated on that statement and thought of Mom. She lived the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated. It is only natural I do my best to do the same.

Even though I have this sadness, it is comforting to know that I'm not alone. Thank you for all of your positive thoughts and prayers. They are working! Mom hears them and feels them. We feel them! Thank you, infinite thank you!

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