Friday, January 14, 2011

Letter for Mari

Hello Sugarbean,

This week has wreaked havoc on our bodies. We've both been very sick, which has made us both a thousand kinds of emotional. In the past few weeks, you haven't enjoyed being dropped off at your escuela. You've actually made me very aware of it each morning as I dress you how much you despise going to your school. Since you've been sick, we've been hanging out at home, sleeping in, watching movies, and generally piddling around trying to heal. It's been glorious, but far from productive, which is ok because sometimes we just need to rest. Now that we are feeling better, it is time to get back into our routine. It is Friday morning, so we get up just a tad bit earlier and you will fit and fuss until I tell you it is Friday and that means we go and get a donut. Actually, I buy a warm kolache for you and give you two donut holes to eat. You get happy on the way there, shouting praises and exclamations for a pink donut. (yet, the few times I've given you a pink donut, you don't really want to eat them, just look at them.) I relish these moments. Us driving in the car, you happily singing a made up tune in the back, and me, getting to be your mom and drive you around to share in life's tiny indulgences.

And then we'll get to your school where you will no doubt, be upset that I'll leave you at school. Which, was exactly what happened when I dropped you off. Even worse because your favorite morning teacher wasn't there to give you hugs and hold you when I leave. The disruption in the routine bothers me too. And there you sat, crying with your "happies" smiling back at you on the plate and you didn't want to have anything to do with them. You wanted Mama. I heard you crying for me. I heard you quiet down to listen as my heels walked away. My heart broke in a billion pieces like it has done for the past three years. I peeked in the window before getting in my car and I could tell you were softly crying as your body quivered in sadness. You were still staring at the door, willing me to come back for you. I nearly did. But I choked back tears and told myself what I'd just told you. "Now is the time to be brave." I sulked to the car and made my commute in. I nibbled on my donut hole and I knew if someone had shot video, I'd surely be featured on Crying, while eating. I don't know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what, but today was more difficult than not. I just want you to know that it is hard for Mommy too.

I love you very much and the things you have learned at school have been wonderful. You have amazing teachers and good friends. Each day when I get home, I am engulfed with a bear hug from you while you happily exclaim, "Mommy, you're back!" To which my heart melts and you will proceed to tell me about your day while you help me put away my shoes before running off to continue your imaginative play. You are so independent and happy.

As we get closer to Tesla's arrival, I know you will make an amazing big sister. You are more patient than I sometimes give you credit. You are extremely compassionate and empathetic. You are so smart and love to share any knowledge that you have recently attained. You are extremely creative! *swoon* We can't forget just how funny you are! That little laugh of yours is so infectious. I just know that you and Tesla will have a wonderful time growing up together.

I love you dearly, even when I'm being mean. Never forget that!

Love always,

Mommy.

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